Ladies and gentlemen, it is with a heavy heart that I must inform you of the impending collapse of the entire cryptocurrency market. After many long, yet fleeting years of hype, speculation, and memes, it seems that the bubble has finally burst, and the end is nigh.
It all started with a tweet from Elon Musk. The eccentric billionaire, who had previously been a vocal proponent of Bitcoin (but mostly doge), announced that he had sold all of his crypto holdings and invested in a new venture: a farm for raising unicorns. The market responded with panic, and the value of every single crypto began to plummet.
The final nail in the coffin came when China announced that they had developed a new “cryptocurrency”, the Yuan-coin, that would be backed by the full faith and credit of the Chinese government. The rest of the world quickly followed suit, and soon every nation had their own tool of oppression, I mean CBDC. With no need for decentralized currencies, the value of all other coins hit zero (who really cared about decentralization anyways?).
As the dust settles, we are left to reflect on the lessons learned. We realize that we should have listened to our grandparents when they told us to stick with traditional investments like stocks, bonds, and Beanie babies. We also realize that unicorns are not real, and that investing in them is a terrible idea.
But most importantly, we realize that we should have never taken financial advice from a man who changes his Twitter bio on a whim.
Rest in peace, dear crypto. You will be missed.
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